Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
