Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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