Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Another day, another engagement, another cat
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
