She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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