Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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