I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
