I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
