Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
