Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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