if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
