Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
