mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
