Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
