I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
