He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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