That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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