How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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