So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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