This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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