i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
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I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
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