help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
