I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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