Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize