thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
