I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
