I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
