if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
