he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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