i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
