Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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