It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
