I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
She just used a chaser for red wine.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize