Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
