In America we eat man semen.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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