So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
