I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She even gives head with a lisp.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
