If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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