Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
