I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
