How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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