can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
