I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
