If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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