TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
