i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
