Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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