Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
