I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Randomize
