My Higher Power is John Stamos
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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