you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
