I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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