You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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