The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
