Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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