You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
