Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Alive.
So much puke
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
