it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
