She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
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